Teaching Kids to Fight

The twins talking out a problem

I do not mean fight as in, “put your fists up like this” or “You better not start it, but finish it” type of fighting. I mean good, old fashion arguments. It is impossible to raise kids and them not fight with each other. One of my favorite stories of my mother and aunt fighting involved my mom punching her sister’s glasses off her face. My brother and I had epic fights, sometimes they were even a bit violent. We all had tempers – my mom, dad, sister, brother, me – bad tempers. It was ugly.

As a parent, I swore I would never allow violence in my house. In fact, my husband and I hardly even argue we are so peaceful (or passive aggressive). My daughters have never seen us do anything other than play fight. Yet, they fight. It is in our nature to fight. But as mom, it is my job to make sure they are not ugly, mean, or unfair. So how do I teach my kids to fight? Easy. I stay out of it as long as I can. Why?

Compromise

By staying out of their fights, they must learn to compromise. Either one child is going to give in or the other will. Even if they are yelling at each other, try to stay away. Eventually they will get tired of fighting with each other. Now, if you feel like the yelling is too much, you can do like I did, ask them to be quieter. Often my kids would start to tell me why they were yelling, and I simply responded that I didn’t want to hear it. Harsh? Maybe. But they knew it was their problem and not mine. My daughters are both strong willed so I never know which way the fight is going to go, but I do know that they will figure it out.

Verbal Reasoning

As a teacher, I am constantly asking my students to justify their thoughts and opinions. There has to be some reason for how they think or feel, yet many students are unable to verbally express themselves. By allowing my daughters to fight, they have to tell each other why they want something or why the other child should be doing something. They have to figure out their why in order to win the fight. Once kids learn that they need a “why” to win, they start expressing themselves much more clearly.

Life Lessons

Sometimes in the middle of fighting, they learn that life just isn’t fair all the time. For instance, a recent set of Christmas gifts involved an Elsa piggy bank for Lily to paint and Olaf picture frames for Carolyn to paint. The Elsa bank was a fairly large item and Olaf had quite a few pieces. Lily insisted that Carolyn give her some of the frames because Carolyn had more to paint. Carolyn was budging on keeping all the Olaf frames to paint. When Lily tried to complain about it – not really to me as she knew she wouldn’t win, but still making sure I was in earshot – “But it’s not fair she gets more!” and Carolyn responded quite appropriately with ,”Life’s not fair. But you have a larger piece that makes up for my smaller pieces.” And then she kept on painting. Kids need to learn that fair doesn’t always mean equal. What one kid needs or has is not always what the other needs. The best lessons are the ones the kids learn.

Time to be the judge

When I get to the point of stepping in to help, I make sure to always question what the fighting was about. Let each kid say what they need (just like in a court room, both parties are heard). As they explain what they are fighting over, be sure to be fair. That may sound like a no brainer, but just a reminder! When all is said, be the final word on the subject. Do not let them try to convince of anything. Do not waiver on your judgement. You are the parent. You have the final say.

I get that this is not the approach for all siblings. Having twins means that my kids are learning these things at the same time. When there is an age gap, the older child might need to be reminded that being older doesn’t entitle them to take advantage of the younger sibling. The younger sibling may have to be reminded that they can’t always get what they want. It’s all about finding the balance in your children and their personalities.

Also, just a little disclaimer here: I am not any type of child psychologist. I am a mom trying to figure out parenting just like many others out there. So, if my method doesn’t work out for you, keep trying new things!